Loneliness, the forsaken fate of many, all alone in a world filled with people and voices. Your voice is seen as weak. You feel powerless. You feel useless. You feel outcasted by society. You feel depressed by your inability to have a girlfriend, boyfriend, or some type of a partner. Isolation, rejection, fear of abandonment and feeling disconnected from basic relationships with those you yearn to just be around. All directionless, going with the wind where it takes you. You may fear vulnerability. You want emotional intimacy, but you can’t embrace it. You push it away. You’re lost. At drift, totally and completely directionless. Hopelessness follows you down this path you take. Let’s get over this “woe is me” mentality, let’s get to the core of this problem plaguing our generation. Not to shame those who feel these negative emotions but rather bring in a distinct perspective on these self-destructive mindsets and the tendency to constantly doubt yourself. 

The “Male Loneliness Epidemic,” is fake. Synthetic. Manmade. Manufactured like buildings, or the 7 wonders of the world. None of it is constructive, nor useful. It’s ugly. It’s destructive. It’s just directionless. It limits you and your potential. 

  In NPR’s article, America Has a Loneliness Epidemic, it explores the epidemic affecting the social lives of people and the connection to health concerns, as opposed to just social ineptitude compared to other studies. “There is an epidemic of loneliness in the United States and lacking connection can increase the risk for premature death to levels comparable to smoking 15 cigarettes a day, according to a new advisory from the U.S. Surgeon General.” The article was published in 2023 and is more relevant now than 2 years ago. People have always relied on human connection. 

It’s harmful not just physically, but also socially and mentally. They still do need this behavior. The increased risk of death, while humans are social creatures that thrive in environments with loved ones and peers, in healthy doses. Is this just a human trait that developed, or is it more of a need beyond just humanity? 

A Harvard student, Ding Lui hypothesized about the need for social behavior, like hunger and thirst needs. The inherent need to socialize with peers, friends, and loved ones is a trait that clearly we developed with from our ancestors. It’s also something that seems and may feel so natural, it’s shared with animals. This experiment was tested on mice that may be small but need to socialize. “…then observed, using activity-based gene expression and in vivo calcium imaging, which neurons become active during periods of “social seeking” (that is, the deprivation phase), and “social satiety” (the reunion phase). The discovery that if mice are deprived for too long, their response changes. “If you isolate the mice for more than four weeks, they start to dislike social behavior… Isolation has become the norm, and having company is disruptive, he hypothesized.”  

If isolation becomes the norm, having company could be seen as disruptive. That statement is heartbreaking to see and to just know this now. It’s chilling. If isolation is so normalized, it disrupts the natural needs that are literally wired in our brains for a reason. Loneliness affects your health, not just in the ways you think. Not just neglected hygiene, not just neglected rooms filled with mold and rot. Not just rotting mental health and an issue that affects anyone. It’s also not as simple as saying it’s a man dominated behavior either. Women are just as lonely as these men. Neglecting these basic traits, whether linked to our humanity or our needs from before evolution. The discussion from Cigna, a 2019 study shows, “In 2019, 57% of men and 59% of women reported being lonely. Loneliness levels were close to equal in 2018 as well, with 53% of men and 54% of women reporting feelings of loneliness.” A remarkably close statistic between women and men. Although, I find men’s loneliness overtakes them in a far separate way than women.  

From my own beliefs, gender roles add fuel to this epidemic. I’m not sure if this just applies to men, but there’s an enormous difference between women socialization versus men. The loneliness doesn’t look like it applies to women on the surface, due to developing stronger networks of relationships. Men are taught the opposite. “Women are raised within strong networks of communal relationships. Girls and women form communal bonds with female peers beginning as early as pre-school. Meanwhile boys and men are encouraged to be individualists, loners and staunch competitors.”  This is from an article in The Good Men Project, a small newsletter. I think this is an exact read of some of the growth and development as a girl to woman. “Because of the way they are raised from boyhood, men are generally allowed friendships around mutual activities, sometimes known as shoulder-to-shoulder friendships. Women are far more inclined toward face-to-face friendships guided by the communal bonds already established among female peers.” This also adds to this discussion and I want to further explore this from some experience.

Growing up as a girl to a young woman, you’re expected to be a specific way. You are expected to be polite, docile, agreeable, kindhearted, sweet, and quiet. You are expected to be social, but not a chatterbox. Beauty standards and gender roles go hand and hand. You need to be pretty, but naturally pretty. No makeup, or barely any. Don’t look sickly. To not be overweight, or be overweight in the wrong way. Don’t be underweight or be underweight in an ‘appealing’ manner. You’re also expected to be hairless but have perfect, beautiful hair. Something ‘manageable’ and neat. If you’re too curvy at a young age, you’re fast.  If not, you’re built like a ‘square.’ Cover up. Don’t cover up too much or you’re a prude. Leave some to the imagination. Don’t look like you’re using shapewear or a push-up bra. Not to mention, there should be no ‘visible’ plastic surgery. You will be seen as vain regardless. Whether you’re a gym bunny, had surgery, in your natural state, or doing anything to enhance yourself. You’re also shamed for not looking good. You’re just considered ugly, at that point. Can’t struggle to look good or not trying at all. Fully ignoring all different body types, genetic makeup, and using BMI as a part of a penalty for not being a woman in the ‘right way.’ Not even scratching the surface of colorism, racism, featurism, problems that specifically target young women of color. Not even mentioning things that affect other queer young women. If you don’t fit any of these qualities thrusted upon your lap when you are a mere child, then you’re just a horrible, vile woman and it’s a hateful cycle.  

Whereas men are socialized in the opposite way. Men are supposed to be manly. Macho. Don’t cry. Assertive. Strong: physically, and emotionally. You can’t care about your appearance with self-care and haircare, just ignoring this piece of hygiene, except for the basics. “That’s for girls.” You can’t be feminine like at all. You can’t be overweight, or too thin. You can’t be short. You can’t be taller than a conventionally attractive height, being 6 ‘0+, otherwise you’ll hit your head on the doorway. All of which will make you struggle to find clothes and be a cause of insecurity. You can’t care for people. To be confident, sometimes nearing arrogance. You need to be a leader. An individual. A strong, independent man. Don’t be loving. Not vulnerable. You can’t be excited, like wearing a smile or being too expressive. You can’t be a sweet younger/older brother to your sibling or siblings. You can’t be a man who is emotionally invested or sensitive, you have to be emotionally constipated until you lash out. You can’t talk about your feelings with your friends, you’re just getting on Marvel Rivals, or some type of game, to replace the lack of intimacy between friendships among men. To replace the venting, to replace gossip, to replace the deep dark secrets, to replace anything that can ‘backfire’ among the men you befriended. Nothing beyond basic interests and your bits of personal life you leave crumbs of. The only negative emotion that can be expressed freely, as freely as you could, is anger. Not sadness, not guilt, not fear, not anything but anger. You can’t just be. I feel as though these are inherently connected to loneliness. Fueling this disconnect further. 

Beyond these discussions of loneliness, gender roles, needs, everything mentioned above. Assuming I know enough about people, let’s say you want these essential connections, deep down. You want this with all your heart and soul. You just want to be a person with all these friendships, with a relationship and to be well-liked. To think of all your desires like this I can be a member of a society that can contribute to it, positively. Surrounded by success. To be respected. To be loved. To be cherished. Beloved, even. Something seen as the ideal. A dream at the end of the day until you put in some work. Don’t be directionless, move with intent and it’s not easy. You want to go beyond where you have never been before. You want relationships, here’s the thing you’re at a pivotal point for this, this age of exploration. There’s a reason it hasn’t worked in your favor; I hate to say it, but the crux of this is your sheer lack of experience.  

To know this is the conclusion I have come to; it is a matter of inexperience. From the past’s hateful gender roles, socialization, and societal expectations of you. It’s the lack of experience that sticks out the most. You need the chance to grow and the self-awareness from prior experiences to develop into the person you want to be. 

Relationships, whether romantic or platonic, require so much effort. From communication, skills and other redeeming qualities a person has to develop over time. Something just worthwhile. Being inexperienced in the ways of communication whether in social skills, hobbies/skills, things that say you’re unique and interesting. Things that give you a personality. Sadly, you may or may not have these key redeeming qualities, yet. No matter how much you may believe you can’t change. You can always improve. You can mature. You can develop into a good and interesting person if you put in the effort. Sounds easier than it may look.  

Here’s some advice I can give you about the need to develop a personality, and all will be left to you. How do you do that? How can you develop a personality? Understand yourself, explore your interests, and practice consistency. Understanding yourself is necessary for the development of your character. Think of yourself as a person, equal to others, not more than or less. Practicing equal treatment with another person or other people. Treat others how you want to be treated. You can’t change without exploring what you did right, wrong, and what you can do better. Doing so is necessary for you to develop as a person. Exploring interests and finding what you believe is interesting. What do you want to do? What do you like? Choosing to either learn these skills/hobbies can provide you with something to give into a conversation. Practicing consistency, from my interpretation, is basing it off of your own morals and beliefs developed from experiences, so in other words don’t be a hypocrite. No rules for thee, not for me. It makes people distrust you and choose to not develop any deeper connections with you. No one is entitled to anyone’s time nor their energy. It’s necessary to deconstruct harmful mindsets, like these self-destructive and self-sabotaging mindsets, whether taking time to find therapy or using hobbies to alleviate some of these negative emotions. To put some of yourself into this. It’s not easy work, but it’s time to find some direction, together.